The Perfect Moment

There is no such thing as a perfect moment, she has learned that much in her short life. However, there are very very good moments. Moments so good that it becomes a sort of fantasy, a dream, a desperate utopia that she can never again reach. Those moments become idolized in her mind, so that eventually they do become perfect moments, because she has ceased to remember the imperfections.

She’d gotten Star Wars mugs, one with Han Solo and Chewbacca and another with Greedo and Boba Fett. She didn’t want to use the mugs at first because they were special, and she wanted to save the first time for a special occasion. The special occasion ended up being the next day. She chose Han Solo because he’s her favorite, and she made the hot chocolate with milk instead of water because she wanted it to be perfect. She curled up with her hot chocolate and watched Spider-Man cartoons.

The hot chocolate was not perfect. It was delicious, certainly, but it had many faults. It was not as rich and creamy as her imagination had told her, and it was somewhere between lukewarm and hot. Still, it came from a Han Solo mug and she gulped it before it got too cold, enjoying every minute of it and knowing that it was not perfect.

A few hours later she struggles with the homework that is due the following morning, trying to make herself do it and remember it and master it. But all she wants is to rest, to put her head down for a minute or a year or an eternity. She wants to be done with everything. With school, with life. She wants to curl up under thick blankets and never wake up again. She finds herself daydreaming about Han Solo mugs of hot chocolate, and she wishes with all her heart that she was in that moment again, blissfully sipping the perfect cup of hot cocoa.

She just wants another perfect moment.

Positive Affirmations

Ever since I was in the hospital, I've been doing positive affirmations, but I've been doing it my own way. Positive affirmations are when you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself something good about yourself, basically. "Whispering sweet nothings to my reflection," is how I once put it. Although the point is that it's not nothing, it's true.

I'm not exactly one to say things to myself in the mirror, but I do do them. When I do my Bible study, I always finish with writing down my positive affirmation. And let me tell you, it is hard. The first month or so of it were full of times when I almost didn't write it down, when I couldn't bear to put down the words, when it took me several minutes for me to scribble it as fast as I could. Because I just don't believe it at first. Of course, that's why they exist. To get you to believe the truth.

My very first positive affirmation was "I am brave." I was recovering from sexual assault as well as confronting my lifelong anxiety problems, so I had a ton of fear to deal with. I told my reflection it was brave a few times, and wrote it in my prayer journal daily. Eventually, I got to where I could write it pretty easily. Eventually, I got to where I believed it. Eventually, I got to where it started to show.

After a while, I needed to add a new affirmation. My second one was "I am beautiful." I have always entertained the fantasy in the back of my mind that I am secretly gorgeous and fabulous and all of that, but of course I've never believed it. I've always been afraid to try because I feel like I'll just show off how ugly I am. But I started writing it down along with "I am brave." It was just as hard as "brave" had been. But it got easier. Now it's second nature. Now, I can even look in the mirror and be okay with what I see (on good days, of course).

Today, I added another affirmation. "I am loved." It took me a long time to write it down. My faith has been somewhat stagnant recently, my personal Bible studies off and on. It feels extremely arrogant and presumptuous to say that I am loved. It feels like I am forcing other people to love me, like I am telling them that they love me and they can't do anything about it.

But it is true. I am loved. I am loved by God, I am loved by the Captain, I am loved by my family. By my mother, who I've honestly never quite understood and I admit I've questioned her love before. I am loved by my siblings, who I've also never understood. I am loved by my father, who I had never once questioned before but now have suddenly started to doubt. I am loved.

I don't know what the heck is going on in my heart and soul right now, honest. I do my Bible study at random, sometimes going weeks without opening my Bible. I don't always make it to church. I love God. I know He loves me. I don't doubt Him at all. Maybe I don't feel good enough for Him right now (which is silly), or maybe I've let myself get too caught up in my personal miseries.

Whatever it is, I'll get through it. You'll get through it. I am loved. You are loved too.

--Dexter

Boredom.

One of two things will happen when I've been bored for long enough. Sometimes they both happen. The first option, which I try to avoid, is I get depressed and literally sprawl on my bed or the couch or the floor for multiple hours before dragging myself to the shower. The second option is ponies.

I have a very, very large collection of mystery figurine ponies. 38 total, currently.

So yesterday I pulled them all into the living room along with some of my larger figurines, a dalek keychain, and my Thor action figure. They had a very exciting adventure in which Fluttershy taught the others that by showing the elements of harmony to enemies, they could make friends. Of course, Twilight took all the credit and then regenerated into an alicorn. Typical.

But this is what happens when I'm left alone all weekend with nothing to do. Dalek's start harmonating instead of exterminating. I watched TV for three hours yesterday. I played about six hours of computer games. I drank a lot of coffee. I annoyed a lot of people with constant text messages about how bored I was.

Sorry about that.

But I have to admit, I had fun with those ponies. They bring me great joy in life. No doubt we'll have many more adventures in the future.

--Dexter

6 Month Anniversary

I know, I haven't been so good about updating the blog over the summer. I just had a lot going on, but nothing really seemed important or interesting enough to write about. I got a summer job at a burrito place, where I guess I learned a lot about how to deal with people. I starting running to keep in shape and renewed some old friendships. I changed my hair color.

And now here I am, a sophomore in college. Classes start Wednesday. I'm in an apartment with some friends I met last year. I just won a game of My Little Pony Monopoly about two hours ago. Life's going along pretty nicely.

It has been six months since I entered the psychiatric ward. Six months since I wanted to die. Six months since I've hurt myself.

Not gonna lie. It's kind of a big deal.

No, I'm not "all better." I still have daily battles with depression, anxiety, and all the fun stuff that came along with the psychological trauma. I function slightly better in the real world, but often times, it's hard. Often times, I end up in my room on my bed, wishing for a fraction of a second that I could just let everything go. Often times, I catch myself trying to come up with ways that I could hide cuts from people. But I haven't actually done anything.

And y'know what? I think it might be getting easier to survive.

Six months is a long time. Sometimes the only thought that keeps me "clean" is the knowledge that I've made it this far, and if I fall even once then I'm back at square one. I don't want to have to tear off a new sheet and it be zero days since the last incident. Heck, I want to be sitting here in February, writing about how it's been a whole year since that awful day I found myself in the psych ward.

That's kind of why I'm writing this. Because even though I'm pretty optimistic right now, I know there will be days when I won't be. And maybe by putting all my thoughts down, by letting you all in on this great anniversary, I might be able to get through it.

I just can't let myself forget who I was, and who I am now, and all the people I've been in between. God has led me down a winding and exciting path, and I know He has plenty more in store for me.

--Dexter