Change

Lately, my life has been incredibly topsy turvy. True, I made it through sophomore year, which in the dance department is well known as the roughest year ever. I made it through though, and with decent grades. But that doesn't exactly mean life has been easy since then.

As many know, my dad lost his job a year ago and since then my family has gone through a steady decrease in money. To add to it, only a few months later my dad left my mom. This has made life rough. My mom and my siblings moved to a new house that was more affordable and my mom works several jobs. They get by just fine, but I can't rely on them and I can't ask them for help when it comes to money, no matter how much they want to help. So I try not to ask or even mention my own problems.

But I'm pretty damn poor. I was going to take some classes over the summer, but had to drop out of half of them because I can't afford them. I'm still enrolled in one, but if I don't get a job soon I will be living, well, frugally, to say the least. I still have to pay rent and buy groceries and pay for my medication and a whole bunch of stuff.

So life has been pretty dismal in my eyes lately. Not only has all that stuff been going on, but since school let out, I've had nothing to do. Don't me wrong, I'm loving the break. Sleep all day, play all my games, read my books, it's great. But I'm an active creature, no matter how much I love to be stationary. If I don't have enough to do, I start to go crazy. I end up with nothing to do but think, which means I'll think about how much life sucks, because that's just what happens when you have major depression. You don't sit there contemplating sunshine and rainbows.

So, yeah. I've been majorly depressed recently. My relationship with God has been on the wayside, and even though I acknowledge that, I haven't done a whole lot to fix it. But despite this... God still cares about me. I can't believe how much He cares about me. In such a dark time of my life, He suddenly sent me such a HUGE care package of love.

The other day I was at book club (best thing ever) at T-Bones, and we were sitting around waiting for some late members. I turn to look and who should I see but THE CAPTAIN. No, he's not in book club. Yes, he lives three hours away from me. No, I was not expecting him at all.

"What are you doing here??" I started to ask, but just as the words left my mouth he was down on one knee, a little black box in hand, smiling like the sun.

"Sarah Dexter Givens," he said.

"Why are you here??" I was still asking the same question.

"Sarah Dexter Givens," he continued, "Will you marry me?"

"How did you know I was here?" I was really caught up in that. He was laughing and smiling and I'm not sure what I was doing besides asking the same damn question over and over again.

"Will you just answer my question?" He asked finally, still laughing.

"Of course!" I answered. "But how did you know I was here?"

"Will you take the ring?"

"I don't know how!" Ladies, if you feel like you're an awkward person, know that you will not magically become suave when this moment comes. "I've never done this before!"

"I'm glad!" He took the ring out of the box and started to put it on my finger.

"Wait! Which hand is it? Is it this one? I don't know!" I turned to my friends for help, who were laughing and grinning just like The Captain. One of them told us, and The Captain slid the ring on my finger.

At this point I just leaned over and buried my face in a hug, because everyone was looking at me and I was very happy but also very self conscious and I just wanted to hug him more than anything. It was awkward. It was beautiful.

That same day, I got called for a phone interview at a job that opens up in June and a friend told me about another job that would be open in just a few days, where she could probably tell me exactly what I needed to do to have a good chance. A few days later (today), I got notified of another job (my dream job) and I have an in-person interview in just a few hours (I'm crazy nervous). Then I got an email requesting another phone interview for another job I applied for a few weeks ago.

I swear, if none of these jobs work out, I'm going to scream.

But anyway. It has been a magical couple of days. God sent me blessing after blessing and joy after joy. This is a heck of a lot of change in my life, and I absolutely hate change. I don't adapt well. But sometimes change is necessary, and I'm glad it's happening. Dare I say it, I think I'm ready for it.

I don't know, we'll see.

--Dexter

PS. THE CAPTAIN IS MY BETROTHED!! :D :D :D :D

Shoutout to all you Beautiful Lonely People

Hey you.

You are beautiful and you are loved and you are amazing.

Yes, you.

I say this to myself, and I say this to every single person who ever reads this, and I say this to every single person who never reads this. Because it's true.

It has now been a year since I was released from the loony bin. And y'know what, I'm still in this world. My life's no basket of bunnies but it sure ain't a cardboard box of roaches either if you know what I mean.

I bet a lot of you people are struggling just as much if not more than I am. And it is important that you know that YOU are pretty damn amazing. If I can go a year without ending up back in the psych ward, then I bet you can.

Things that inspire me to keep going:
All the books I have not read yet.
All my favorite books I want to reread.
All the friends I have not met yet.
All the friends who don't realize how much I love them.
All the places I have not gotten to visit yet.
All the notebooks I have not filled.
All the music I have not listened to.
All the music I have not played.
All the dances I have not danced.
All the kitchen utensils I have not played with.
All the My Little Pony episodes that have not come out yet.
All the pain that God will bring that will make me stronger.

It's gonna be okay. I don't believe this all the time, but I believe it now.

This is a letter to myself in the future, on a bad day. This is my letter to you, on any day you need it.

--Dexter

Scheduling.

I am alive. Busy, but alive.

I am in my second semester as a sophomore. Dance major. English minor. Honor's college. English tutor. Book club president. Member of the Repertory Dance Company.

I am taking 23 hours this semester. 9 classes. I have 10 hours of company rehearsals each week. I currently have 4 hours of tutoring each week. Somehow I find time to go to book club once a week and (sort of) read for it as well. I average 2.5 cups of coffee a day and 5 hours of sleep a night, though both of these figures vary depending on the day.

One of my roommates I have not seen since the first day of the semester. One of my roommates I have spoken to maybe twice since the beginning of the semester. My other roommate I see more on campus than in the apartment. I am never here.

I'm busy, but alive. After this semester, I will know that I can make it through just about anything.

If I make it through of course...

--Dexter

A Brief Summary Of Mood Swings

Sometimes I am peaceful and content. Happy to sit and read, or sit and watch TV, or go for a walk, or have a conversation. These are wonderful moods.

Sometimes I am bored and nothing can satisfy me. I have no interest in literature, in film, in the outdoors, or in anyone who happens to talk to me. These are frustrating moods.

Sometimes I feel beautiful and I don't mind people seeing how beautiful I am.

Sometimes I feel as though I am trying to be beautiful, but am failing, and everyone can see that not only am I not beautiful, but that I dared to try to be beautiful.

Sometimes I just feel ugly, but okay with it. I don'd mind people seeing my ugliness.

Sometimes I feel ugly, and I am ashamed.

Sometimes I am sad, but willing to smile at people and try my best. These are adequate moods, and possibly the most frequent ones.

Sometimes I am sad because of sadness, because I see so many terrible things in the world and I can't do anything about them. I am so sad that I cry and I feel like nothing will ever change, nothing will ever get better.

Sometimes I am sad because others are happy, and for some reason I can't manage to be happy even though I have no excuse to be sad. My life is more okay than a lot of other people's. I should be happy, but I can't be. So I am even more sad.

Sometimes I am confused and flustered because people look at me and talk to me and ask me questions and I don't know what to do. It gets difficult to breathe and I try to hide. These are dangerous moods, scary moods.

Sometimes I am angry, usually at myself. But because I can't fix myself, I start to get angry at everyone else too because I am just frustrated. I lash out at people even though they've done nothing wrong, and then I feel guilty and get even angrier at myself.

Sometimes I hurt so badly that I don't care anymore and I become reckless. I want to cut away my pain, drown it in alcohol or chocolate, physically beat it out of my brain. I want to throw myself away however I can in an effort to not be me anymore, because who I am disgusts and shames and disappoints me that I just want to be someone else.

Sometimes I hurt so badly for so long that I want to die, to go to sleep forever. To lay down on the floor and never get up. I'll think about the ways this could happen, the things that could bring this about. I get scared and stop thinking about it. These are dangerous moods, scary moods.

Sometimes I am indescribably happy, somehow able to see the rainbows and the little glint of light in the darkness. I want to spread this happiness, so I do. I want to live, so I do. I want to do everything, so I do.

Sometimes I don't want to talk about myself, because I don't want people to freak out. I don't want to go back to the psych ward, so I don't talk about the occasional, fleeting thoughts of suicide. I don't talk about how badly I want to hurt myself. I don't talk about my problems and insecurities because I believe no one can do anything about them, so what's the point?

Sometimes I am brave, and want to talk about myself. I want to share my story and accept help, and to lend help when I can. I want to turn my pain into beauty, to become a phoenix rising from ashes. I don't want to be a broken reed.

Sometimes I am sad.

Sometimes I am happy.

Sometimes I am.

Sometimes I am not.

--Dexter