It was not my fault.

He should be ashamed, not me.
It was not my fault.

This is my mantra for the evening. The weekend. The month. My life. Yeah.

The Guy from freshmen year is getting somewhere with his music. Good for him. Not really. I'm upset. Very upset. Stressed out about it. Can't focus. Had nightmares about it last night and it's only going to be worse if I ever try to go to sleep tonight.

Why is his life going well? Why is he getting what he wants? Why does his life go on while mine constantly stops and stutters?

There are no answers to those questions which bugs me a bit.

Googled how to deal with seeing your abuser/rapist/etc. in the real world in the futile hope I'd find something that would help. And yeah, there are some useful things I guess. Nothing life-changing, which I expected. Reading something on a screen is hardly going to make my life suddenly functional.

I have to remember that he should be the one who is ashamed of it, not me. He should be embarrassed to see me in public, should feel the need to apologize, should be scared. Should not try to talk to me, to get my attention, to act like we're friends. He is to blame, not me. It was not my fault.

This is the worst post I've ever written. I'm too anxious to write in complete sentences. I just wrote "he should be ashamed NOT ME" all over my arm (which coincidentally is covered in self-abuse scars) so I have to keep seeing it until it smears off. I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow anyway, so it doesn't matter.

What if he becomes a super popular music artist? A household name? He's talented and persistent, so who's to say he couldn't make it? But how the hell am I supposed to handle that? I will never be able to escape him if that happens.

Will that be my claim to fame? "Yeah, he's pretty cool. He slipped me a date rape drug back in school. #connections."

I survived. It was not my fault. It was not my fault. It was not my fault.

I have to go teach Australian dance to a bunch of children tomorrow. I just need this to be over.  People frown on suicide though. I don't want to do the suicide. I just want to be okay. To not feel like this.

He should be ashamed, not me.
It was not my fault.
I survived.

Operation Save Dexter's Life

I have decided that I want to live. This is a big deal.

I still don't want to go sit on a counselor's couch and talk about my feelings. I still don't want to exist every moment of every day. I still don't feel great. I don't foresee this changing anytime soon. Nor do I foresee myself beating any of the various addictions (self-abuse) and bad habits (skipping class) anytime soon. However, this is still a step.

But I can't do this alone, so I'm enlisting your help. *cue flashy commercial voiceover*

Do you want to contribute to an unworthy cause? Dying to donate to an unworthy charity, but simply don't have the time or money? Just overflowing with love and compassion? Never fear, there's a project just for you.

If you happen to run into Dexter at any time of any day, just stop and ask her one of the questions below. If you don't have time to wait for a long answer, don't worry. She will undoubtedly try to avoid answering anyway.

You don't have to ask all the questions, and feel free to adjust as you see fit. Add your own flair! Don't be afraid to make the phrasing suit your own personality.

Have you gone to class today?
If yes, congratulate and ask how it went.
If no, ask if she's okay and what she did while not in class. Encourage her to talk to her professor and try to make it next time.
If she has no class that day, skip this question.

Have you eaten a healthy meal today?
If yes, congratulate and ask what it was and how it tasted.
If no, ask if she is planning on doing so and what it will be.
If she gives you an excuse such as, "No time," or "No money," remind her that she could at least eat an apple or drink some cranberry juice.

Have you done something active that you like today?
If yes, ask what it was.
If no, suggest she go read a book, play a video game, write something, play some music, or take a gentle walk. Remind her that watching YouTube and TV is great, but that she should actively partake in happiness as well.

If she answers no to all questions during the same day and doesn't say anything at all:
It is a very bad day and it is all she can do to even be physically be present. Don't touch her unless you know she sees you coming and doesn't flinch. If she doesn't answer you, don't take it personally. If you're dying to help, just sit quietly with her. Mimic whatever she might be doing (foot tapping, fidgeting, dead stillness). Don't ask her serious questions. Don't draw attention to her. Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't feel obligated to do any of this, she will be fine if you just leave her alone and let her recover by herself.

Above all, be patient and considerate. Undoubtedly she is more upset with herself than you ever will be. But if she whines and bitches about it, just glare at her and walk off. Don't waste your time.

You have no idea how much it means to me that you're even reading this, and that none of you have completely given up on me yet. Because believe me, I certainly had.

You can't save anyone until they want to save themselves, and you can't make them want that. They'll want to want it, but they won't know how. It literally just clicks. And it sucks that that's the way it is. All you can do is help and remind and love until they figure it out, and that requires so much patience and care that it amazes me people have stuck through until now.

Like I said, I'm not saying things will be great from here on out. 2:00 AM epiphanies don't always lead to success. But I'm trying. I want to be better and I want to live. Gosh darnit I want to enjoy things again. I don't enjoy hardly anything, but I want to. I want to take a little pride in what I do. I want to walk outside and look at the sky and just be happy that this little world exists.

I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to be an extrovert, nor do I particularly want to learn how to talk to people and how to be a people person and all those things I used to want. I don't want to change who I am. I just want to live, and I want to go back to the person I am sometimes. The person who likes writing and likes reading and likes games and likes dancing and sometimes likes people and at least goes to every single class and dreams of a better tomorrow.

I didn't mean to get sidetracked on all that.

I guarantee tomorrow my alarm will go off and I will feel like total shit again and not care about this at all. But that's okay. Somehow I'll do the day anyway.

--Dexter

A Dialogue on Love

I have decided not to fall in love again.

But you can't let one tragedy ruin the rest of your life.

Oh no, that's not it at all. This has nothing to do with my ex-fiancé. I just don't think love is for me, really.

But you think that because of your ex-fiancé.

Oh no, I thought that before him. He just kind of proved me right.

So it is because of your ex.

No no, absolutely not.

So give me some reasons then.

Well, I don't understand people, so I'm not good at taking care of them. Of showing care, love, etc. I just don't express well.

Okay.

So I'm not good at loving. And then I'm not good at being loved, because there's just too much stuff going on.

Okay.

I mean, you've got the mental disorders. Like, people say it's no big deal, and it's normal, and it doesn't change things or whatever. But they don't understand how hard it is to be close to someone who has my problems. To be the person I talk to when I have super bad days.

Uh-huh.

Like, the days where I almost feel suicidal, or I'm having major panic attacks, or I've had a bad encounter with The Guy, or something like that.

Right.

And I mean. The self-abuse thing, People have a problem with that. As they should, of course. But I know that's also stressful on people, because it's like, a physical reminder of how messed up I am inside, y'know?

I know.

And as a person, I'm not super great. Like, I need a lot of attention and reassurance of my loved-ness.

That's normal.

Maybe. But anyway. There's also the physical aspect. Like, staring at myself in the mirror and being glad that I don't have anyone who makes me self-conscious. I don't have to worry about someone's attention potentially depending on how I look.

Okay.

And I don't have to worry about someone's love potentially depending on how much physical love I give, too. Cause I'm not into that at all.

Okay.

Also I'm a huge mess all the time. So bad at cleaning. And I'm a child. And I think most people think I'm a lesbian anyway.

Uh, okay.

Anyway, I think it's just a good idea.

Well, I think it's good that you aren't avidly seeking out love wherever you can find it. Convincing yourself you're in love with people. 'Cause that's not good.

Yeah, I'm on track there.

But you can't just close your heart off completely.

Look, life is not a Disney movie. I can be cynical and jaded all I want in the real world.

Um, sure you can. Absolutely. But you were created to love and be loved, even if it's not marriage or dating or whatever. God is love, and you're created in His image.

That's fine. I can love. Just not fall in love.

Dexter, you spend a lot of time fantasizing about being in love.

SHH! People aren't supposed to know that!

Oh grow up. You do, and that's okay. It's okay to want someone to love, and to want someone to love you.

Whatever.

Come on, please be mature about this. Just because your heart's been broken a few times doesn't mean it doesn't work. It doesn't make you unlovable, and it doesn't make you unloving. You did nothing wrong in either of those instances. True, you're not perfect, but neither are the people who broke you. No one is, and that's part of the beauty of it. You can't be afraid of it just because it's a bit fragile. And I think that three-year relationship proved that YOU at least, are capable of working hard at a relationship to fix problems when they arise and keep the love blooming.

You sound like a Disney movie again.

Sometimes they get things right.

Screw you.

Hey. You're the one writing this. You have both sides of this conversation going through your head all the time. I'm just laying it out so it's a bit clearer. Maybe it'll help convince you.

It's not like it matters. I'm not exactly sending away a list of suitors.

It'll matter someday. Try not to be so cynical and jaded that you give up before it starts.

#inspirationallifequote.

Be serious.

I'm compensating for the black hole in my heart.

Whatever. Just don't squash the little butterflies pitter-patting in your heart. Remember it's okay to daydream. There is such a thing as real love. God is love, and He made you (and everyone else) in His image. And even if you end up not getting married (which is also okay), remember that you still need some love in your life. So don't let yourself push everything and everyone away. It doesn't matter that you're awkward and don't know how to say serious things. Sometimes a badly worded reminder that you love someone makes a big difference. Brave the awkward moment and just express your love.

#lovelife.

Sure. Whatever works for you.

A Frustrating Disappointment

For as long as I can remember, I have been afraid of being a disappointment. It's probably one of the main contributors to my success in school. I was terrified of disappointing my teachers, so I was always in class, always did my homework, always did everything possible to earn their approval.

Frustration comes when you've worked on something for a long time and just can't get it. That math problem that just won't make sense, that one sentence that just won't form correctly, that one dance step that you just can't get down. You try and you try and you try and you try, and it just won't work. So you get frustrated and you stop.

This semester has been impossibly difficult for me. The workload is not an issue. Really there's nothing wrong. I just can't get it. I can't make myself go to class and I can't put in the effort like I used to. I can't get excited and I can't stop thinking negatively, and I just can't rouse up any cares for anything.

My teachers have been surprisingly patient, especially when I explain things to them and convince them that I am trying. But at one point I know one professor just had too much on her plate and I was the straw that broke her back. She snapped and said I was just a huge frustration (I was not supposed to hear this). She sent me a very long apology later on, but that one little word sent me over the edge too.

I feel like my whole life I have been trying and trying and trying to not drown in life. I feel like I've tried everything. I "let go and let God" but then just feel like I'm not praying hard enough to earn mercy, which I know is not how that works. I listen to therapists and learn their coping methods, and then I fail and disappoint them. I use my own coping methods and end up hating myself. I go on medication that helps and then doesn't. It just goes on and on and on and no matter what people say it really doesn't seem like it's going to get any better, especially not anytime soon.

I feel like a completely frustrating disappointment to this world. I disappoint teachers by not trying hard enough. Disappoint counselors by not "wanting to get better enough." Disappoint family by not loving enough. Disappoint friends by not caring enough. Disappoint fiancés by not being passionate enough. Disappoint God by not wanting to live enough.

And I'm just a huge frustration to everyone because I can't seem to get better. I just take up space that could be used by someone who deserves and wants and tries more than me.

This does not inspire me to try harder. It just twists my soul into knots and lifts up lies and guilt and shame and fear.

People keep telling me I have to keep trying or just try harder. Or do better. Or whatever. I have been trying my hardest my whole life. This is the first time where I just can't do it anymore. I don't know why, but all that trying has just worn me out and I got pretty damn far all things considered.

Then you have the facebook posts about how people with mental disorders can't help it, that they shouldn't feel bad for trying and failing and not operating the same way other people do.

But if it's okay for me to fail at all of the antidepressant behaviors and crap . . . then how the hell am I supposed to get any better? I know no one can fix my life for me, but obviously I can't either. And really I don't think anyone knows how to do anything. We're all just making really optimistic guess that usually come out right. I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep on struggling and trying to succeed with coping behaviors and antidepressants and natural endorphin highs (and even unnatural endorphin highs) when I still just get tired. There is literally no method that doesn't just make me exhausted from trying so desperately hard to do it right.

I'm sorry I haven't written anything inspirational or uplifting or cheerful or hopeful or even sensible lately. I've tried. I've tried to break myself out of this that way, but that doesn't work either. The past two days my head has just been filled with personal disappointment and personal frustration and I've got to get it out.

I know these things aren't necessarily true. Surely I know this. I've got to know this somewhere inside. Because I know people will comment and text and call and do all the things people do when their friends are needy or legitimately in trouble. I know these things will happen. I know people care about me and I know not everyone is disappointed and frustrated.

But somehow it just doesn't matter.

--Dexter

PS. I'm way too good at depressing zingers.