Positive Affirmations

Ever since I was in the hospital, I've been doing positive affirmations, but I've been doing it my own way. Positive affirmations are when you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself something good about yourself, basically. "Whispering sweet nothings to my reflection," is how I once put it. Although the point is that it's not nothing, it's true.

I'm not exactly one to say things to myself in the mirror, but I do do them. When I do my Bible study, I always finish with writing down my positive affirmation. And let me tell you, it is hard. The first month or so of it were full of times when I almost didn't write it down, when I couldn't bear to put down the words, when it took me several minutes for me to scribble it as fast as I could. Because I just don't believe it at first. Of course, that's why they exist. To get you to believe the truth.

My very first positive affirmation was "I am brave." I was recovering from sexual assault as well as confronting my lifelong anxiety problems, so I had a ton of fear to deal with. I told my reflection it was brave a few times, and wrote it in my prayer journal daily. Eventually, I got to where I could write it pretty easily. Eventually, I got to where I believed it. Eventually, I got to where it started to show.

After a while, I needed to add a new affirmation. My second one was "I am beautiful." I have always entertained the fantasy in the back of my mind that I am secretly gorgeous and fabulous and all of that, but of course I've never believed it. I've always been afraid to try because I feel like I'll just show off how ugly I am. But I started writing it down along with "I am brave." It was just as hard as "brave" had been. But it got easier. Now it's second nature. Now, I can even look in the mirror and be okay with what I see (on good days, of course).

Today, I added another affirmation. "I am loved." It took me a long time to write it down. My faith has been somewhat stagnant recently, my personal Bible studies off and on. It feels extremely arrogant and presumptuous to say that I am loved. It feels like I am forcing other people to love me, like I am telling them that they love me and they can't do anything about it.

But it is true. I am loved. I am loved by God, I am loved by the Captain, I am loved by my family. By my mother, who I've honestly never quite understood and I admit I've questioned her love before. I am loved by my siblings, who I've also never understood. I am loved by my father, who I had never once questioned before but now have suddenly started to doubt. I am loved.

I don't know what the heck is going on in my heart and soul right now, honest. I do my Bible study at random, sometimes going weeks without opening my Bible. I don't always make it to church. I love God. I know He loves me. I don't doubt Him at all. Maybe I don't feel good enough for Him right now (which is silly), or maybe I've let myself get too caught up in my personal miseries.

Whatever it is, I'll get through it. You'll get through it. I am loved. You are loved too.

--Dexter

Boredom.

One of two things will happen when I've been bored for long enough. Sometimes they both happen. The first option, which I try to avoid, is I get depressed and literally sprawl on my bed or the couch or the floor for multiple hours before dragging myself to the shower. The second option is ponies.

I have a very, very large collection of mystery figurine ponies. 38 total, currently.

So yesterday I pulled them all into the living room along with some of my larger figurines, a dalek keychain, and my Thor action figure. They had a very exciting adventure in which Fluttershy taught the others that by showing the elements of harmony to enemies, they could make friends. Of course, Twilight took all the credit and then regenerated into an alicorn. Typical.

But this is what happens when I'm left alone all weekend with nothing to do. Dalek's start harmonating instead of exterminating. I watched TV for three hours yesterday. I played about six hours of computer games. I drank a lot of coffee. I annoyed a lot of people with constant text messages about how bored I was.

Sorry about that.

But I have to admit, I had fun with those ponies. They bring me great joy in life. No doubt we'll have many more adventures in the future.

--Dexter

6 Month Anniversary

I know, I haven't been so good about updating the blog over the summer. I just had a lot going on, but nothing really seemed important or interesting enough to write about. I got a summer job at a burrito place, where I guess I learned a lot about how to deal with people. I starting running to keep in shape and renewed some old friendships. I changed my hair color.

And now here I am, a sophomore in college. Classes start Wednesday. I'm in an apartment with some friends I met last year. I just won a game of My Little Pony Monopoly about two hours ago. Life's going along pretty nicely.

It has been six months since I entered the psychiatric ward. Six months since I wanted to die. Six months since I've hurt myself.

Not gonna lie. It's kind of a big deal.

No, I'm not "all better." I still have daily battles with depression, anxiety, and all the fun stuff that came along with the psychological trauma. I function slightly better in the real world, but often times, it's hard. Often times, I end up in my room on my bed, wishing for a fraction of a second that I could just let everything go. Often times, I catch myself trying to come up with ways that I could hide cuts from people. But I haven't actually done anything.

And y'know what? I think it might be getting easier to survive.

Six months is a long time. Sometimes the only thought that keeps me "clean" is the knowledge that I've made it this far, and if I fall even once then I'm back at square one. I don't want to have to tear off a new sheet and it be zero days since the last incident. Heck, I want to be sitting here in February, writing about how it's been a whole year since that awful day I found myself in the psych ward.

That's kind of why I'm writing this. Because even though I'm pretty optimistic right now, I know there will be days when I won't be. And maybe by putting all my thoughts down, by letting you all in on this great anniversary, I might be able to get through it.

I just can't let myself forget who I was, and who I am now, and all the people I've been in between. God has led me down a winding and exciting path, and I know He has plenty more in store for me.

--Dexter

Dexter's Guide to Freshman Year

So a few weeks ago I finally finished my freshman year of college! Trust me, this is a big accomplishment. I had so many hurdles and complications throughout the year that it's a miracle I made it all the way through, especially with such a good GPA. Now that I've been through the hell of freshman year, I thought I'd help out all the folks who are on their way into college by writing a stereotypical guide for survival.

Tip #1: Ask For Help

When you're new on campus and in your department, it's okay to ask where things are and how things work. Sure, you can figure it out by careful planning and observing, but you might make a few friends by just asking.

Tip #2: Say Hi to People You Know

When you see someone in passing from your class or something, just say hey. If you have time, actually ask them what's up or how their day is, and wait for a reply instead of continuing on your way.

Tip #3: Make Friends With Classmates

This way you have help if you get stuck or miss class, plus someone to commiserate with if the class is miserable. The easy way to do this is to ask a neighbor about an assignment or compliment them on their shirt.

Tip #4: Take Food From the Cafeteria

Our cafeteria has to-go boxes, but even if yours doesn't you can grab an apple or a banana or something and just carry it out. I usually take this to serve as my breakfast, because I never want to go to the fresh early in the morning before class.

Tip #5: Set Boundaries With Your Roommate

If you don't know the person you're living with beforehand, make sure they understand what they can and can't touch. And then if you notice them taking your food or your clothes or something, start hiding your stuff or just calmly ask them about it, like, "Hey, have you seen my bear shirt?"

Tip #6: Find Safe Places

Sometimes you just need a place to chill between classes, or you just don't want to be stuck in your dorm room all day. Find places on or off campus where you can settle down and study or relax. I like the campus Starbucks and the local coffee place T-Bones, but the downsides to those places are that I usually end up spending money on coffee.

Tip #7: Splurge

Every once in a while, you deserve coffee, so go buy yourself a freaking mocha.

Tip #8: Don't Splurge

That said, don't buy yourself a mocha every single day, because your bonus bucks will run out fast. Sometimes you have to just settle for instant coffee or the cafeteria coffee. Try mixing it up by adding hot chocolate mix and a small candy cane.

Tip #9: Don't Lose Your ID

Punch a hole in it and keep it on a chain, buy a special case for it, do something besides just tuck it in your pocket, especially if you have small or loose pockets. One thing I like to do is tuck it into my socks, because it rarely falls out and I can constantly feel it there. Just don't lose it because it's a pain to get a temp card and then replace it.

Tip #10: Register at Dawn

Especially if you're trying to get into a small, good class. As soon as registration opens, REGISTER.

Tip #11: Don't Hang Out With Friends in Dark Places at 2:00 AM

Likewise, don't give them your water bottle.

Tip #12: Check the Weather

If it's raining, you want to be prepared with boots and an umbrella. If it's cold, you'll want a coat when you're hiking across campus. If it's hot, you better hope you didn't wear jeans and long sleeves.

Tip #13: Get Involved

Everyone loves saying this and annoys the crap out of me, but it's kind of true. But this does not mean you have to join a bunch of organizations, or even join any of them. I go to RUF and then I started my own book club. Sometimes it's really as simple as bullying your friends into hanging out with you.

Tip #14: Be Open

Admit One Direction is a guilty pleasure and someone else may admit it too.

Tip #15: Embrace the Awkward

If you say something awkward, just keep talking. Eventually you're so awkward that it's endearing and people think you're cute.

There, now I'm sure your freshman year will be a complete breeze.

--Dexter