An Essay On Doctor Who

For my English class, we had to take out a subscription to the New Yorker magazine (we got a discounted student price), and we've been using it for most of our assignments. When we write a big essay, it's derived from a particular article. For our third essay, however, we could pick any article in any issue we'd received, so I was aimlessly flipping through a random issue when I found...

A New Yorker article on Doctor Who.

So yes, I get to write an English paper on Doctor Who. SCORE!

I came up with topics and planned out exactly what I was going to say on each one: the beginning of Doctor Who, the different Doctors, notable companions, fan disagreements, modern 'Who' versus classic 'Who,' the upcoming anniversary... but then reached my word limit while still discussing the regeneration cycle.

Dangit.

So now it's just a paper on how Doctor Who has lasted so long, namely the Doctor's ability to regenerate. But I got so excited and enjoyed writing about it so much that I'm thinking about writing the rest of the papers anyway, just a blog post on each topic with my own opinion. Because that's one thing that is annoying about writing a paper: I can't cite myself as an ultimate authority.

I just think it's cool that I get to write about Doctor Who for school. I wrote almost the whole thing in one afternoon and used examples from fifteen different episodes and different Doctor Who blogs and just had a ball.

I also added English as my minor, so I guess it's good that I'm still enjoying it.

--Dexter

College!

Guys. I'm at college. This is my second day at college. I'm sprawled on my very own twin extra long bed in my very own poster decorated dorm room (dang Tumnus poster keeps falling down though) with my very own roommate.

Freaky.

I'm going to University of Southern Mississippi to major in dance. Ta da! I figure since I have a bunch of awesome stuff stuck to my wall and stuffed animals piled on my bed I'm a successful college student. Plus I've already rearranged my My Little Pony mystery figurine collection twice.

Not gonna lie, the whole experience thus far has been a bit tough. I don't do well with new people and new situations and new experiences, so the whole make-new-friends, learn-new-things, figure-out-how-to-get-into-your-room, find-the-right-building thing isn't going so well. But if I give myself enough of a pep talk I'm usually okay. I just wish classes would start so I'd know what all I'm dealing with and I wouldn't have to stress about impossible teachers and difficult walks and sitting all alone in the cafeteria for meals (yikes).

But other than all that, things are going well. My room is awesome (private bath -- yes), my roommate's pretty cool, and I walked around a lot today getting my bearings. Tomorrow GEWW starts: Golden Eagle Welcome Week! Yaaaay! I know it goes against basic college code, but I don't think I'm going to anything that's not required. Sorry.

I'm already homesick for The Captain, and I'm sure more things will follow. But I will say this: the internet and service here are way better than they were at my house.

--Dexter

Testimony

I'm now in my third week in Ireland. The first week we were in Monaghan with the Clarkes, then we met up with the rest of our team to do Holiday Bible Club in Ballygawley, and now we're doing the same thing in Kilmore.

 

After club we've been spending time with the teenagers, playing games and trying to break the ice. Every night one of us ballet girls shared our testimony, and it was finally my turn tonight...

 

All week the people in the Kilmore church have been encouraging us to really wear our hearts on our sleeves and be really open with the teenagers to encourage them to do the same and put them at ease with us. So when I found out I'd have to share my testimony, I wasn't sure what all I wanted to say. Normally, I do a very edited version that vaguely alludes to the possibility of something wrong in my life, but don't actually say it. Never have I shared my complete testimony with a group of people.

 

Plus, Katie, Libby, and Brianna were all there too. I hadn't talked to any of them about my depression. Would this be a good way to let them know? Or would it be cruel?

 

I kind of fought with myself all week about it and tried to figure it out and ended up stressing myself out. Last night, I was up late Skyping The Captain, explaining it all to him and asking advice. He encouraged me to say everything.

 

But so much of my testimony is so fresh, such an open wound. Normally when people share testimonies like that, it's after years and years have passed and they're all better now. I'm not all better. Years have not passed. Weeks have passed since the last really dramatic thing happened in my life, and it certainly hasn't been even a week since I thought about doing something to myself.

 

But The Captain kept saying that this opportunity was perfect and I couldn't pass it up. That I would probably help at least one person in that room. I said I'd try. I honestly didn't know if I'd be able to do it.

 

But I did.

 

I started out with the basics, and then when I got up to age 15 the unedited version came out, because that's when I first tried to hurt myself. That was when the room got deathly silent, and half the people looked up from their crisps and didn't take their eyes off me, while the other half suddenly found the floor very interesting.

 

I got through it all without crying, though I did almost tear up when at one point. My voice did get pretty shaky and by the end my face was really warm. But I got through it. The end was a little awkward, and I was just like, "Well... my voice is tired now..." and then after Katie reminded them that they could talk to us or ask us questions whenever, I was like, "Well... I'm going to go get some water now... so talk amongst yourselves." Then ran and got water and then hid in the bathroom for a while and cried a bit.

 

When I emerged to the kitchen, Kenny and Colin were both there and I walked in before realizing it. Kenny's pretty cool; I had talked to him a lot during the evening and confided that I was really nervous about having to speak to the teens. He'd started out watching me in a kind of encouraging manner, but as soon as I hit the 15 mark his gaze shot to the floor. I don't think he'd anticipated that when I'd told him how nervous I was.

 

Colin came up to me first and told me I was a very good speaker, which surprised me but encouraged me a little bit. Then Kenny moseyed over and said I did a good job. He didn't really say anything else, but I can't tell you how much I appreciated it.

 

And then Katie showed up and I kind of avoided eye contact for as long as possible, but we finally exchanged looks and then smiles and then she asked to give me a hug and I said yes and so we shared a hug. She, Brianna, and Libby were among those staring at the floor during my testimony, because none of them had expected that bombshell.

 

After all of that I felt kind of scared to face any of the teens... I felt like they were all staring at me every time I saw them again. But then it also felt like they were all a bit friendlier with me. They were all genuinely disappointed when Elise made me leave early due to my still-present headache and previous upset stomach (although it was mostly just upset because I was nervous).

 

I really hope I did help someone, that it wasn't all for nothing, me bearing my soul like that.

 

I don't know what all has changed between me, Katie, Libby, and Brianna. Katie's the only one that acknowledged it in any way, and it's probably just my imagination that Libby and Brianna were a little weird about it. It's likely that they didn't think much of it, because we aren't super best friends and so they might not think they'd had any business knowing. Katie, on the other hand... I don't know if it will ever come up in conversation again. I'm still nervous about that.

 

But I'm glad I did it. I do feel better, now that it's out. Now that I've said it once, maybe next time will be easier.

 

Our trip is almost over! I'm sad, but also happy... because I really really miss The Captain.

 

--Dexter

Lord Vizelhoffen

We're in Ireland! SUCCESS! We are big girls now. Because we officially traveled to a different country by ourselves.

 

We've already met up with the Clarkes, our old friends from last year. Andrew, Richard, Ruth, and Laura. They're all good craic ("fun"). We've played Uno and Nerts and watched the ballet and a movie and other stuff and talked and chatted and eaten and generally just chilled around for our first day here.

 

And we also made a new friend. This is Lord Vizelhoffen. Look at that fancy cape. Spots and fur and everything.

 

Katie discovered him in our room and christened him Lord Vizelhoffen. He is now our friend.

 

UPDATE: We have discovered that Lord Vizelhoffen is a germophobe.

 

UPDATE: Lord Vizelhoffen has taken flight!

 

As always, you can check the official Ireland blog over at www.weareinireland.blogspot.com!

 

--Dexter

Ireland!

Yeah, btws, I leave for Ireland SATURDAY.

Don't know why I never mentioned that. But yeah.

I've been put in charge of keeping an updated blog for the team, so check it out! http://weareinireland.blogspot.com/

The rest of the team doesn't leave until next week, but me and Katie are heading off to the land of rain and green hills early so we can visit friends in Monaghan. I should probably start packing.

But I want to have a Supernatural marathon. Decisions, decisions.

--Dexter

Life Isn't Fair.

Remember how I said that Katie and HK also went and auditioned at Southern Mississippi for the dance department?

 

Well, neither of them got in. Katie's still going, so we're still rooming together, but... she can't be a dance major.

 

That was a rough day when I found out about that. It was last Thursday, actually. I was incredibly stressed out because I know how important dance is to Katie. She dropped everything to pursue dancing, and I was sure she'd just feel like all her dreams had been crushed. It's like every time she has tried to do something with her dancing, life just smacks her down and shouts, "You can't dance!"

 

Maybe she's not a perfect dancer. But she's still amazing at modern and she's amazing at choreography. I mean, seriously. Her choreography is amazing.

 

But the hardest part about all of it was that I knew I wouldn't be able to do a single thing to make her feel better. How am I supposed to comfort her or tell her it'll be okay when I did get into the dance program? Not only did I get in, but they moved me up a level in ballet classes based on how I did in the audition! If I were to say, "Katie, it's going to be okay," she would respond, "Of course it's going to be okay for you. You're perfect." She might not say it out loud, but I guarantee she'd be thinking of it.

 

She and HK apparently had a sleepover that night while I was freaking out and telling The Captain all about the problem. The next day, HK confided in me and said that Katie was pretty upset and that she'd actually said, "I just wish I could be Dexter. She has it so easy." Which confirmed my insecurity. And also confirmed that Katie has never quite caught on to my problems, which isn't really a bad thing.

 

I think I was more depressed that day than she was. She showed up to ballet and was fine. And that was after I'd had a mental breakdown, hid in the studio kitchen, and played with pointy objects. But yeah.

 

Anyway, fastforward to yesterday. Katie choreographed a dance for her Senior Banquet Talent Show thingamajig, and the first couple of times I watched it my only response was, "Aw, that's so cool. She aces choreography yet again." But then later she told me that it was kind of her testimony about how she had wanted to dance so bad but now everyone was telling her she couldn't.

 

And then I started listening to the words of her song and I almost started crying right there as I watched it. Because it was so beautiful and so sad. I don't want Katie to be me because no one should have that thrust upon them, but sometimes I wish so bad that I could give her my dancing. I always wanted some kind of confirmation of my dancing ability, and now that I keep getting it this year, I just wish I could get rid of it. Because it's not fair.

 

I hate it.

 

Both HK and The Captain told me (separately), that I put my own feelings aside and let myself go for other people, because when my friends are in trouble, I hurt just as much as they do. And both of them said it wasn't even a bad thing, but that it's not my responsibility to make sure other people are okay. But how am I supposed to be okay if they aren't?

 

I pray for them every day, but sometimes I don't think I trust God to take care of them. It's kind of weird, but... I just feel like if I don't keep an eye on them or think about them or pray for them or worry about them enough, something will happen to them. But God's got them, doesn't he? He's holding them tightly in his hands and he's not going to let them go just because I stop freaking out.

 

I tell myself all of that, but I don't think I'll ever be able to relax. I just want them to be okay.

 

I just spilled coffee all over Starbucks.

 

This day is going fabulously.

 

--Dexter.

Seasons

I've had a very rough week, and I've done things I'm not proud of and gone places I shouldn't have. But I'm doing better. God brought me back and I think today especially he's been trying to teach me a few things.

 

So I have this Celtic Daily Prayer book. There's a lot of different prayers in it, but my favorite part is that they have little readings for each day, enough to last for two years. It'll have an excerpt from something or just a basic lesson, and then three Bible passages to add some context, and then maybe notes on some Celtic saint or martyr who can relate. It's very cool, and some days the passage hits the mark exactly.

 

Yesterday was the first really okay day I've had all week, and the reading was about people who suffer. It talked about how some people suffer and are instantly delivered when they ask God for help, and then others ask and ask and pray and pray but the pain never goes away. Of the two kinds of people, which has more faith? Which is closer to God?

 

Both. There is nothing wrong with the second person just because God hasn't removed the pain from his/her life. It is not because of a lack of faith on his/her part. One of the Bible passages for that day was Daniel 3:14-18. Nebuchadnezzar is trying to make Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego bow down to his gods instead of their god. But they replied (verse 16-18), "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

 

But even if he does not. That one phrase struck me hard. Because it's true. Sometimes, God doesn't make everything A-Okay. He obviously hasn't turned the world into sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. Sometimes even those with rock-hard faith suffer. Oftentimes, in fact.

 

I don't think faith is believing God will save you and let you live happily ever after and never be in pain again. Faith is more trusting God and understanding that whatever happens, happens because of his will. Maybe you'll never feel better, maybe you'll never escape the pain, but...God still has a purpose for you. And that's something very hard for me to accept some days.

 

Today's reading had to do with seasons. "Our Lord is a seasonal God; He comes, He departs. His faithfulness never changes, but His seasons do! There are seasons when the tree is green, there are seasons when it is dry, and seasons when, for the life of us, the thing looks dead. Now, does this mean you are serving some capricious God who comes and goes by whim? Or, could it be, that it is only through seasons that true growth may come? ...The Christian and the Lord's body both need rain and sunshine, cold and hot, wind and doldrums."

 

"Seasonal" is a very apt description of my life. My ups and downs are drastic and unexpected and frequent. When I'm up, I am up. And when I'm down...well.

I've always thought that the more suffering I go through, the more broken and downtrodden I will become. I felt like I knew myself well enough to be able to say that when I break, I don't mend very well. I'm left with open wounds that never heal into a scar. But maybe all that is just an excuse. Maybe I am fragile, but I can't stay like this. If I want to actually get better, then I need to try.

 

Depression is a weird state of mind. It scares me, because I know how determined I get to believe the worst and to assume the worst and I know how awful I feel on a "bad day". And even when I feel better, I still believe half the things that overpowered me when I felt bad. It's just that I'm "okay" with it all. I don't mind it so much. It's easier to live with. The pressure inside is a little more relaxed.

 

And what really kills me is that when I feel so awful again, I won't think to come back and look at these things that so inspire me now. I won't believe any of it anymore. And that's what scares me so much.

 

--Dexter

I'm Going To Be A Dancer!

Remember my Last College Dance Audition? Well, I have orientation this weekend so I emailed the dance department and asked when I'd be able to know about my acceptance. Because if I didn't get accepted, I would have to switch my major before orientation. I expected them to email back and say they'd let me know right after the last audition date (which was last Saturday).

 

But no.

 

They emailed me back with my early acceptance letter. They liked me so much that they were going to accept me regardless of who all auditioned April 6th. Which means I'm a good dancer. Which means I'm going to dance in college.

 

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I'm excited.

 

...SO EXCITED.

 

PLUS my best friend Katie is for sure going to USM as well (even if she for some reason she doesn't get into the dance department) so I have a roommate! AND HK auditioned as well, so the trio might be unbroken! I cannot tell you how happy this makes me!

 

I feel like my life is finally starting to calm down and work itself out. I have The Captain, I have a college future, I have a dance future, I get to stay with my best friend. It all makes me very worried that something terrible is going to happen. For now I'm just going to assume that that bad stuff is just all the pain my knees are currently in, so I won't have to worry about anything else falling into my life.

 

loljk can't wait to see what else gets thrown at me.

 

--Dexter

My Last College Dance Audition.

A few hours ago I got home from what should be my last college dance audition. I'll probably have more auditions in the future, but hopefully none of them will be to get into a college dance department.

 

At first, I wasn't nervous at all, because I wasn't too interested in the University of Southern Mississippi. USM was my Plan B at that point. But after taking the tour and figuring out numbers and thinking about things, I realized that USM is actually pretty awesome.

 

They've already given me a scholarship which won't cover everything, but covers a lot. Add my financial aid in, and I'll pretty much be okay. I'll need a job on campus, but one of the students we talked to said it's really easy to get a job on campus.

 

Plus, their dance department is really good. They're very centered around modern, but they still have plenty of ballet. And apparently, they've started doing pointe classes once a week for the first time in five years. Most days students have two dance classes, one ballet and one modern, and they have all kinds of assignments and dancing opportunites. It sounds like a real challenge, but a challenge I need.

 

Aand it's not too far away from home. Right now, my other college option is Texas A&M, which is 12 hours from home. I wouldn't mind so much, except that I really want to be able to come home fairly often to see old friends and attend Briarwood Ballet performances. If I was in Mississippi, it'd be a piece of cake.

 

So after thinking about all of these things, I started to get a little nervous about the audition, but I tried to maintain my cool. I tried to go in wanting only to dance. I must say, I think I did well. I felt fairly relaxed, for the most part, and really enjoyed all the dancing and the teachers. Which is saying something, since I was dancer #3.

 

If you know anything about dance auditions, you know that when you check-in, you are given a number and you pin that number to your leotard. The class is organized by number, so once you start doing things in groups, it'll be "Numbers 1-8, then numbers 9-16," etc. Being in the first group is torture. You have the least amount of time to learn the combinations. And I was #3.

 

There were only 16 dancers, so we went in groups of four. That made it very intimidating, being one of only four people standing in that huge studio. It's kind of a stupid feeling, though. I mean, you want the judges to look at you, right? But anyway, I feel like I did pretty well, aside from a few mishaps such as the "Jesus" pose... so christened by a girl in my modern class at Briarwood. Long story, but suffice to say that I suck at it, and we had to do it in a combination.

 

And then there's the matter of solos... USM requires each dancer to perform a one-minute solo. Since I was #3, I had to go near the beginning. I actually choreographed a pretty cool solo, if I do say so myself. I was proud of it. And I forgot the last half of it.

 

I don't know what my problem was today. I got my angles messed up some time after my shoulder roll and then I guess I got confused and then just blanked out. So... IMPROV!! I honestly can't remember what all I did, but I'm pretty sure it was boring as heck. But hey, I still enjoyed it. My basic thought process was this... "Um, what am I doing again? Dancing. Can't remember the next step. Oh well. Use your ribcage, there you go. Better roll here. Good. Aaah, dancing! Thank you, Lord, for letting me dance! Maybe if I look inspired they won't notice that I have no idea what I'm doing! Oh, the end of the song is coming up. Throw in a cool arm and look satisfied. Good job, Dexter."

 

And that was my audition. I should get my results in mid-April.

 

--Dexter

I Will Travel The World, I Will See The Stars.

My two best friends and I have great plans for the future.

 

Backstory: two years ago, HK and I first went to Ireland with our dance group. Then last year, we both went again with Katie. This year, Katie and I are going back but HK isn't. But that doesn't mean she doesn't want to go back...

 

So we were sitting at Ihop the other night (free pancake day!) and talking about Ireland and France and stuff, and HK suddenly said, "Let's make a promise that in five years, we'll all go back to Ireland."

 

Katie and I, naturally, were all for it. Pact made. But we didn't stop there... "And then we'll stop by France again and visit the Tauntons." "Hey, why don't we just go through all of Europe?" "Oh, we should go to Scotland!" Etcetera, etcetera...

 

So we came up with this plan. The summer after we graduate from college, the summer of 2017, we are going to go to Europe and travel. We'll spend the next four years saving up and then go, no matter how much money we've got. We'll start in Ireland and stay with our friends from previous mission trips, and then go over and spend some time in Scotland. From there, we'll go to London, and then on to France, where we'll stay with some friends who have a villa there (rich people...). Then on to Greece, and a quick stop in Venice... Up to Austria, over to Germany, and then we'll fly back to the states and spend a day in New York before going our separate ways.

 

Yes, this is happening. We all wrote down the list, signed our names, decided how much money we'd need, and figured out what languages we need to learn. We have four years to each come up with $5000-$6000 and learn French, Italian, and German.

 

I cannot tell you how excited I am. This kind of adventure is something I've always half-dreamed out, but never entertained serious thoughts about because when do these kinds of things actually happen to poor people like me? In the summer of 2017, that's when.

 

I should have a video camera by then, so boy will I get tons of footage. Diaries will be a must. Aaaaaah it's still four years away and already we've made all these plans!

 

--Dexter