Seasons

I've had a very rough week, and I've done things I'm not proud of and gone places I shouldn't have. But I'm doing better. God brought me back and I think today especially he's been trying to teach me a few things.

 

So I have this Celtic Daily Prayer book. There's a lot of different prayers in it, but my favorite part is that they have little readings for each day, enough to last for two years. It'll have an excerpt from something or just a basic lesson, and then three Bible passages to add some context, and then maybe notes on some Celtic saint or martyr who can relate. It's very cool, and some days the passage hits the mark exactly.

 

Yesterday was the first really okay day I've had all week, and the reading was about people who suffer. It talked about how some people suffer and are instantly delivered when they ask God for help, and then others ask and ask and pray and pray but the pain never goes away. Of the two kinds of people, which has more faith? Which is closer to God?

 

Both. There is nothing wrong with the second person just because God hasn't removed the pain from his/her life. It is not because of a lack of faith on his/her part. One of the Bible passages for that day was Daniel 3:14-18. Nebuchadnezzar is trying to make Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego bow down to his gods instead of their god. But they replied (verse 16-18), "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

 

But even if he does not. That one phrase struck me hard. Because it's true. Sometimes, God doesn't make everything A-Okay. He obviously hasn't turned the world into sunshine and rainbows and butterflies and unicorns. Sometimes even those with rock-hard faith suffer. Oftentimes, in fact.

 

I don't think faith is believing God will save you and let you live happily ever after and never be in pain again. Faith is more trusting God and understanding that whatever happens, happens because of his will. Maybe you'll never feel better, maybe you'll never escape the pain, but...God still has a purpose for you. And that's something very hard for me to accept some days.

 

Today's reading had to do with seasons. "Our Lord is a seasonal God; He comes, He departs. His faithfulness never changes, but His seasons do! There are seasons when the tree is green, there are seasons when it is dry, and seasons when, for the life of us, the thing looks dead. Now, does this mean you are serving some capricious God who comes and goes by whim? Or, could it be, that it is only through seasons that true growth may come? ...The Christian and the Lord's body both need rain and sunshine, cold and hot, wind and doldrums."

 

"Seasonal" is a very apt description of my life. My ups and downs are drastic and unexpected and frequent. When I'm up, I am up. And when I'm down...well.

I've always thought that the more suffering I go through, the more broken and downtrodden I will become. I felt like I knew myself well enough to be able to say that when I break, I don't mend very well. I'm left with open wounds that never heal into a scar. But maybe all that is just an excuse. Maybe I am fragile, but I can't stay like this. If I want to actually get better, then I need to try.

 

Depression is a weird state of mind. It scares me, because I know how determined I get to believe the worst and to assume the worst and I know how awful I feel on a "bad day". And even when I feel better, I still believe half the things that overpowered me when I felt bad. It's just that I'm "okay" with it all. I don't mind it so much. It's easier to live with. The pressure inside is a little more relaxed.

 

And what really kills me is that when I feel so awful again, I won't think to come back and look at these things that so inspire me now. I won't believe any of it anymore. And that's what scares me so much.

 

--Dexter