Frustration comes when you've worked on something for a long time and just can't get it. That math problem that just won't make sense, that one sentence that just won't form correctly, that one dance step that you just can't get down. You try and you try and you try and you try, and it just won't work. So you get frustrated and you stop.
This semester has been impossibly difficult for me. The workload is not an issue. Really there's nothing wrong. I just can't get it. I can't make myself go to class and I can't put in the effort like I used to. I can't get excited and I can't stop thinking negatively, and I just can't rouse up any cares for anything.
My teachers have been surprisingly patient, especially when I explain things to them and convince them that I am trying. But at one point I know one professor just had too much on her plate and I was the straw that broke her back. She snapped and said I was just a huge frustration (I was not supposed to hear this). She sent me a very long apology later on, but that one little word sent me over the edge too.
I feel like my whole life I have been trying and trying and trying to not drown in life. I feel like I've tried everything. I "let go and let God" but then just feel like I'm not praying hard enough to earn mercy, which I know is not how that works. I listen to therapists and learn their coping methods, and then I fail and disappoint them. I use my own coping methods and end up hating myself. I go on medication that helps and then doesn't. It just goes on and on and on and no matter what people say it really doesn't seem like it's going to get any better, especially not anytime soon.
I feel like a completely frustrating disappointment to this world. I disappoint teachers by not trying hard enough. Disappoint counselors by not "wanting to get better enough." Disappoint family by not loving enough. Disappoint friends by not caring enough. Disappoint fiancés by not being passionate enough. Disappoint God by not wanting to live enough.
And I'm just a huge frustration to everyone because I can't seem to get better. I just take up space that could be used by someone who deserves and wants and tries more than me.
This does not inspire me to try harder. It just twists my soul into knots and lifts up lies and guilt and shame and fear.
People keep telling me I have to keep trying or just try harder. Or do better. Or whatever. I have been trying my hardest my whole life. This is the first time where I just can't do it anymore. I don't know why, but all that trying has just worn me out and I got pretty damn far all things considered.
Then you have the facebook posts about how people with mental disorders can't help it, that they shouldn't feel bad for trying and failing and not operating the same way other people do.
But if it's okay for me to fail at all of the antidepressant behaviors and crap . . . then how the hell am I supposed to get any better? I know no one can fix my life for me, but obviously I can't either. And really I don't think anyone knows how to do anything. We're all just making really optimistic guess that usually come out right. I don't understand how I'm supposed to keep on struggling and trying to succeed with coping behaviors and antidepressants and natural endorphin highs (and even unnatural endorphin highs) when I still just get tired. There is literally no method that doesn't just make me exhausted from trying so desperately hard to do it right.
I'm sorry I haven't written anything inspirational or uplifting or cheerful or hopeful or even sensible lately. I've tried. I've tried to break myself out of this that way, but that doesn't work either. The past two days my head has just been filled with personal disappointment and personal frustration and I've got to get it out.
I know these things aren't necessarily true. Surely I know this. I've got to know this somewhere inside. Because I know people will comment and text and call and do all the things people do when their friends are needy or legitimately in trouble. I know these things will happen. I know people care about me and I know not everyone is disappointed and frustrated.
But somehow it just doesn't matter.
--Dexter
PS. I'm way too good at depressing zingers.
Babe, I am frustrated with many things in life. With the way marriage turned out, with applying for countless jobs and getting nothing. I hurt more than I can say when my kids struggle. I feel like a failure when I can't do anything to help, when I look at my huge mistakes, when I know that whatever I say or do won't help. But I have never ever ever been disappointed in you. I don't know that it will ever all be ok. I don't know when or if you will feel better. But I am praying and I trust you with God no matter how bad it gets. No matter what happens, no matter what you do or don't do, whether you succeed or fail, or whatever, I love you. And I trust God to hang on to you, even if you can't hang on to Him.
ReplyDeleteLife in and of itself is exhausting, wrought with disappointment, and pretty bland at times. But I think there's always something here or there to balance that out, and something that either trickles or floods life with positivity. Sometimes that thing takes a while to find, and even when you have it held in the tightest grasp, it slips away. But it's never lost.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm just stubborn, and I can only speak for myself, but in all the time I've known you I've never been disappointed nor frustrated. Honestly, I admire this, and how much it takes to actually open yourself up to the world. That's something I could never fully do. I'm like a giant tortoise, I guess.
I know for a fact that your friends and family do care about you, and even in times of disappointment or frustration that caring never stops. At times when it feels like it doesn't matter to you, they still never stop caring.
I'll always be around if you need me.
-Stu