A Dialogue on Love

I have decided not to fall in love again.

But you can't let one tragedy ruin the rest of your life.

Oh no, that's not it at all. This has nothing to do with my ex-fiancé. I just don't think love is for me, really.

But you think that because of your ex-fiancé.

Oh no, I thought that before him. He just kind of proved me right.

So it is because of your ex.

No no, absolutely not.

So give me some reasons then.

Well, I don't understand people, so I'm not good at taking care of them. Of showing care, love, etc. I just don't express well.

Okay.

So I'm not good at loving. And then I'm not good at being loved, because there's just too much stuff going on.

Okay.

I mean, you've got the mental disorders. Like, people say it's no big deal, and it's normal, and it doesn't change things or whatever. But they don't understand how hard it is to be close to someone who has my problems. To be the person I talk to when I have super bad days.

Uh-huh.

Like, the days where I almost feel suicidal, or I'm having major panic attacks, or I've had a bad encounter with The Guy, or something like that.

Right.

And I mean. The self-abuse thing, People have a problem with that. As they should, of course. But I know that's also stressful on people, because it's like, a physical reminder of how messed up I am inside, y'know?

I know.

And as a person, I'm not super great. Like, I need a lot of attention and reassurance of my loved-ness.

That's normal.

Maybe. But anyway. There's also the physical aspect. Like, staring at myself in the mirror and being glad that I don't have anyone who makes me self-conscious. I don't have to worry about someone's attention potentially depending on how I look.

Okay.

And I don't have to worry about someone's love potentially depending on how much physical love I give, too. Cause I'm not into that at all.

Okay.

Also I'm a huge mess all the time. So bad at cleaning. And I'm a child. And I think most people think I'm a lesbian anyway.

Uh, okay.

Anyway, I think it's just a good idea.

Well, I think it's good that you aren't avidly seeking out love wherever you can find it. Convincing yourself you're in love with people. 'Cause that's not good.

Yeah, I'm on track there.

But you can't just close your heart off completely.

Look, life is not a Disney movie. I can be cynical and jaded all I want in the real world.

Um, sure you can. Absolutely. But you were created to love and be loved, even if it's not marriage or dating or whatever. God is love, and you're created in His image.

That's fine. I can love. Just not fall in love.

Dexter, you spend a lot of time fantasizing about being in love.

SHH! People aren't supposed to know that!

Oh grow up. You do, and that's okay. It's okay to want someone to love, and to want someone to love you.

Whatever.

Come on, please be mature about this. Just because your heart's been broken a few times doesn't mean it doesn't work. It doesn't make you unlovable, and it doesn't make you unloving. You did nothing wrong in either of those instances. True, you're not perfect, but neither are the people who broke you. No one is, and that's part of the beauty of it. You can't be afraid of it just because it's a bit fragile. And I think that three-year relationship proved that YOU at least, are capable of working hard at a relationship to fix problems when they arise and keep the love blooming.

You sound like a Disney movie again.

Sometimes they get things right.

Screw you.

Hey. You're the one writing this. You have both sides of this conversation going through your head all the time. I'm just laying it out so it's a bit clearer. Maybe it'll help convince you.

It's not like it matters. I'm not exactly sending away a list of suitors.

It'll matter someday. Try not to be so cynical and jaded that you give up before it starts.

#inspirationallifequote.

Be serious.

I'm compensating for the black hole in my heart.

Whatever. Just don't squash the little butterflies pitter-patting in your heart. Remember it's okay to daydream. There is such a thing as real love. God is love, and He made you (and everyone else) in His image. And even if you end up not getting married (which is also okay), remember that you still need some love in your life. So don't let yourself push everything and everyone away. It doesn't matter that you're awkward and don't know how to say serious things. Sometimes a badly worded reminder that you love someone makes a big difference. Brave the awkward moment and just express your love.

#lovelife.

Sure. Whatever works for you.