It was not my fault.
This is my mantra for the evening. The weekend. The month. My life. Yeah.
The Guy from freshmen year is getting somewhere with his music. Good for him. Not really. I'm upset. Very upset. Stressed out about it. Can't focus. Had nightmares about it last night and it's only going to be worse if I ever try to go to sleep tonight.
Why is his life going well? Why is he getting what he wants? Why does his life go on while mine constantly stops and stutters?
There are no answers to those questions which bugs me a bit.
Googled how to deal with seeing your abuser/rapist/etc. in the real world in the futile hope I'd find something that would help. And yeah, there are some useful things I guess. Nothing life-changing, which I expected. Reading something on a screen is hardly going to make my life suddenly functional.
I have to remember that he should be the one who is ashamed of it, not me. He should be embarrassed to see me in public, should feel the need to apologize, should be scared. Should not try to talk to me, to get my attention, to act like we're friends. He is to blame, not me. It was not my fault.
This is the worst post I've ever written. I'm too anxious to write in complete sentences. I just wrote "he should be ashamed NOT ME" all over my arm (which coincidentally is covered in self-abuse scars) so I have to keep seeing it until it smears off. I'm wearing long sleeves tomorrow anyway, so it doesn't matter.
What if he becomes a super popular music artist? A household name? He's talented and persistent, so who's to say he couldn't make it? But how the hell am I supposed to handle that? I will never be able to escape him if that happens.
Will that be my claim to fame? "Yeah, he's pretty cool. He slipped me a date rape drug back in school. #connections."
I survived. It was not my fault. It was not my fault. It was not my fault.
I have to go teach Australian dance to a bunch of children tomorrow. I just need this to be over. People frown on suicide though. I don't want to do the suicide. I just want to be okay. To not feel like this.
He should be ashamed, not me.
It was not my fault.
I survived.
Fight! When you see him and you start to feel ashamed or embarrassed, fight against those feelings. Don't let him have any control over you. You are stronger than him. Fight! When the world tells you something is wrong with you, or you need to get over it, tell the world to shove all of those ideas where the sun does not shine. Fight! When Satan whispers into your ear how you should be ashamed, look him in the preverbal eye and tell him to get behind you. You are smart and strong. You can defeat the darkness. The enemy would have you believe there is no way to win. He would have you believe that you are enshrined in darkness at the bottom of the world. I tell you, The night is always darkest just before the dawn! If you have reached rock bottom then the only way to go is up! You must fight! The only true victory our enemy has is when we give up. When he convinces us that we can't win. He is the great deceiver! He is a liar! We can win! We will win! All we have to do, is fight!
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