Operation Save Dexter's Life

I have decided that I want to live. This is a big deal.

I still don't want to go sit on a counselor's couch and talk about my feelings. I still don't want to exist every moment of every day. I still don't feel great. I don't foresee this changing anytime soon. Nor do I foresee myself beating any of the various addictions (self-abuse) and bad habits (skipping class) anytime soon. However, this is still a step.

But I can't do this alone, so I'm enlisting your help. *cue flashy commercial voiceover*

Do you want to contribute to an unworthy cause? Dying to donate to an unworthy charity, but simply don't have the time or money? Just overflowing with love and compassion? Never fear, there's a project just for you.

If you happen to run into Dexter at any time of any day, just stop and ask her one of the questions below. If you don't have time to wait for a long answer, don't worry. She will undoubtedly try to avoid answering anyway.

You don't have to ask all the questions, and feel free to adjust as you see fit. Add your own flair! Don't be afraid to make the phrasing suit your own personality.

Have you gone to class today?
If yes, congratulate and ask how it went.
If no, ask if she's okay and what she did while not in class. Encourage her to talk to her professor and try to make it next time.
If she has no class that day, skip this question.

Have you eaten a healthy meal today?
If yes, congratulate and ask what it was and how it tasted.
If no, ask if she is planning on doing so and what it will be.
If she gives you an excuse such as, "No time," or "No money," remind her that she could at least eat an apple or drink some cranberry juice.

Have you done something active that you like today?
If yes, ask what it was.
If no, suggest she go read a book, play a video game, write something, play some music, or take a gentle walk. Remind her that watching YouTube and TV is great, but that she should actively partake in happiness as well.

If she answers no to all questions during the same day and doesn't say anything at all:
It is a very bad day and it is all she can do to even be physically be present. Don't touch her unless you know she sees you coming and doesn't flinch. If she doesn't answer you, don't take it personally. If you're dying to help, just sit quietly with her. Mimic whatever she might be doing (foot tapping, fidgeting, dead stillness). Don't ask her serious questions. Don't draw attention to her. Don't make a big deal out of it. Don't feel obligated to do any of this, she will be fine if you just leave her alone and let her recover by herself.

Above all, be patient and considerate. Undoubtedly she is more upset with herself than you ever will be. But if she whines and bitches about it, just glare at her and walk off. Don't waste your time.

You have no idea how much it means to me that you're even reading this, and that none of you have completely given up on me yet. Because believe me, I certainly had.

You can't save anyone until they want to save themselves, and you can't make them want that. They'll want to want it, but they won't know how. It literally just clicks. And it sucks that that's the way it is. All you can do is help and remind and love until they figure it out, and that requires so much patience and care that it amazes me people have stuck through until now.

Like I said, I'm not saying things will be great from here on out. 2:00 AM epiphanies don't always lead to success. But I'm trying. I want to be better and I want to live. Gosh darnit I want to enjoy things again. I don't enjoy hardly anything, but I want to. I want to take a little pride in what I do. I want to walk outside and look at the sky and just be happy that this little world exists.

I don't want to be someone else. I don't want to be an extrovert, nor do I particularly want to learn how to talk to people and how to be a people person and all those things I used to want. I don't want to change who I am. I just want to live, and I want to go back to the person I am sometimes. The person who likes writing and likes reading and likes games and likes dancing and sometimes likes people and at least goes to every single class and dreams of a better tomorrow.

I didn't mean to get sidetracked on all that.

I guarantee tomorrow my alarm will go off and I will feel like total shit again and not care about this at all. But that's okay. Somehow I'll do the day anyway.

--Dexter