Friday, August 5, 2016

I'm Alone, But I'm Not, And That Makes It Worse

Have you ever Google searched "self-abuse"? "Self-harm"? "Cutting"? No, why would you? I hope you haven't had a reason to. But if you do, you'll find a lot of websites detailing self-abuse. Symptoms, treatments, causes, and common misunderstandings are usually included. But if you search "self-abuse forum," you may find some websites that are a little different.

Most of these forums do not promote self-harm in any way, but it does provide a safe, anonymous environment for cutters to talk and share their stories without the judgment that non-cutters often have. Whether it's sharing that you're three months clean or asking about good excuses for your cuts, the forums are there for you. You can find all kind of stuff there. You can find hope through people who have recovered, and you can find dread through the people who haven't. You can learn coping methods such as the Butterfly Project or ice and you can learn what to do in the summer, when you can't always get away with long sleeves and trousers (especially in Mississippi).

For obvious reasons, I have been on a few of these sites. I've never posted or commented, but I've read a lot. When I was in therapy, my therapist told me to research cutting, and for whatever reason I didn't bother to tell him that I already had and that knowing more about it didn't help me stop. But anyway.

Sometimes, when things are rough and I'm on the verge of relapse, I go through those forums. Websites, blogs, pictures. There's a tiny shred of hope inside me that thinks that some day I'll find the miracle cure. The coping method that is long-lasting and fail proof. Let's just say, I haven't found it yet.

For me, the best coping method is my friends. On the very bad days, I'll make myself ask someone to come over. I don't say why, and usually we just sit and do nothing. I have no idea if any of my friends realize just how much of a difference they have made.

But all of my friends are gone. They moved away. I've never made friends easily, and I especially don't understand how I'm supposed to make new trustworthy friends as a senior in college, when I already know everyone and they all know me too. "Hey, good to see you again. Btws I used to slash open my arms for fun."

Since all my physical confidants are gone, I've roved through plenty of forums and blogs in the hope I might find someone to talk to, but it just makes me feel worse. I've only known a few cutters in real life, and only a few more people who have serious mental illnesses, and I fear that talking to them will trigger them. Not to mention that I never know if they're actually doing okay or not. Maybe they're in a worse place than I am, and here I am barging in begging for help with my problems.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to communicate through this blog post. I feel like I should have some powerful message or mission for anyone who reads this. Like, "Raise Self-Abuse Awareness" or "Love Your Friends" or something. And yeah, those things are good too. It's the stigma of self-abuse that keeps so many of those anonymous forum posters from getting help. It's the fear of their parents' reaction that keeps them from confiding.

Yes, cutting is horrible. Yes, no one should ever do it. But that doesn't mean those who resort to it should be shunned and avoided. Self-abuse is usually a symptom of another mental illness that can usually be treated. Once that is treated, it becomes easier to manage the self-harm as well. Not EASY, but easiER.

Again, I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just trying to be brutally honest or something. Maybe this is my way of sending out a cry for help, I don't now.

--Dexter
a recovering cutter

PS. In the spirit of being brutally honest, I have a few funny/interesting/scary stories about cutting. Once a friend asked about the bandaids on my arm and I told her it was my cat. She replied with mock seriousness, "No, I think you're cutting yourself, so I'll have to report it." Maybe that was her way of trying to approach the subject, or maybe she really was just kidding. Either way, she obviously didn't report me.

I wrote a short story about a cutter and submitted it to the class workshop, and one person said, "A friend of mine is a cutter, and she cuts her thighs because it's easier. So maybe switch the cuts from the stomach to the legs for more realism." I had never considered that before she mentioned it because, as a dancer, my stomach was one of the few places that I could always guarantee would be covered. Tights and a leotard don't hide my legs too well -- but normal people wouldn't have to worry about it. I was more than a little shocked by this revelation.

Way back in high school, I remarked that a dance company audition required you to admit any mental illnesses such as depression. A friend replied very sarcastically, "Yeah, cause you totally have to worry about that." I laughed because it turned out she didn't know me at all.

And then there's the very, very few people who ask me directly about it. I laugh it off or have a panic attack, no in between. So even when people do notice and do try to talk about it, I can't say anything.

Life is funny that way.

PPS. I do encourage you to go read up on self-abuse, on the myths and the facts. ESPECIALLY if you know someone who self-harms. If you prove that you understand, or at least that you're trying, it will be way easier for the other party to talk about it.

PPPS. I'm not sure exactly, but it's been about two months since I last hurt myself. Yes, this is an accomplishment.

1 comment:

  1. Hello my friend. Yes you are my friend. You are the individual struggling with self-harm, and I am the individual who is not going to judge you for it. I am extraordinarily proud of you for; first, telling us about your fight; second, sharing your two-month victory with us. Let me stop you right there. This is not sarcasm. I do not use sarcasm, mainly because I can't. My words will almost always be sincere. Especially when you're being so sincere with me. This is your battle. You must fight it. However, you don't have to fight it alone. There are others who can, and will, help you. I am not talking about therapists. I mean friends. People who will listen to you at three in the morning as you tell them your struggles. People who will not judge you as you let them in to see your fears and your pain. They are real, trust me. You have some, but you tell me they are moving away, so now you have to start over. It will be difficult, I am not going to lie, but you will find new friends, to help you. You just have to fight. You have to push through the struggle and never give up. It is hard, it is frightening, but you can do it. Always remember, no matter how hard the struggle, or how broken you are, God is there, he is your friend, and he will help you. He wants to help you. He tells you to come before him with your struggles, and let him help you. Sometimes he does not show you how he is helping you, but he is helping all the same. You keep saying you don't know why you made this post. I think I do. People are like tea pots. Some get a little hot and blow, releasing the steam. Some get very hot, but just before they burst, they open up and release the steam. There are some, who don't release the steam, and they burst. We humans, have to release the steam of everyday life. Some of us take very little aggravation and vent the steam. Some of us take more than we should before we release the steam, and when we vent, it takes a while. Then there are some who pour it all inside and keep it. It is healthiest to release the steam and not bottle it up. We do this by venting to our closest friends. It is healthy to tell a friend all your problems, your fears, your mistakes, everything. It is healthy for both parties when both have moments of speaking and moments of listening. Trust in the Lord, and he will guide you through all the darkest paths you face. Your not alone, not with your problems or your fears, God is there to help in all things, and that makes everything better.

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